I don't know why this bothers me to the core like it does, but I've been thinking a lot about him lately. I miss his breath on my cheek when I woke up in the morning. I miss his soft nudges to the neck when he wanted under the covers. I miss the endless kisses and nuzzles he gave me when he saw me again. Even if it was just a few minutes after I had left, or been out of view, he always reacted as if I hadn't been around in years.
All in a matter of seconds, things were altered from the plan at hand, and not only were two lives altered majorly from the turn of events, one was completely lost, and mines was drastically thrown off course. I still remember that day as if it was just yesterday. I just miss him. Nothing in this world will be able to take his place in my heart. Even if I watch his brother a lot and spend countless hours with him, nothing will take away of what Ocean was to me... or what he meant to me.
Onto a happier topic, of aspirations, wishes and dreams. For the longest time I've always felt that happiness was just a mere illusion for those who portray themselves as if nothing effected them in a negative manner. For the longest time, I put a facade on, and allowed myself to get swallowed by the details of wanting nothing more than to be accepted with the people who had it all. I figured that's all I was destined to be in life, was nothing more than someone's second best. I never could come first, and even when I did, it always was nothing more than a mirage in the middle of a desert: gorgeous and stunning on the surface; non-existent after that. In a way, I was complacent and was going to allow myself to settle to be someone's second best.
Funny how things work, right? When I was just getting comfortable, back in my cozy shell of how my life was going to turn out, and then out of no where, all the doors I as completely okay with walking through slammed shut, and a new one opened up. She walked into my life as if she was there the entire time, and as if she was made perfectly to fit in the space that had been completely avoided by anyone and everyone in my life. And she just seemingly slipped herself into that space and smiled at me, as if she was waiting for me all along. I don't know how, I don't know why, all I know is.. I'm completely submerged in the toxic craving of the happiness that I've achieved in the past few days, closing in on a week.
I shall cherish every moment we've had thus far, and know that deep down that every one still to come is a blessing that I never would have thought in my wildest dreams I would have. I've felt love before, in various depths, and ways... However... I haven't felt it like this. I'm happy and content to continue to watch all the stars and clouds go by as I continue to fall.. knowing fully well that when I do land, I'll hand on my feet... and she'll be there
She's a blessing, a.. foreign concept to me; Something new, something that makes me feel renewed, and wanted. She makes me feel like I'm worth it, and no longer someone's second best... I don't know where this is going, where we'll end up, how far we'll go... or if I do end up kayaking 9,993 miles.. All I know is she has renewed my faith in love, in society... and in myself.
Je t'aimais hier, Je t'aime aujourd'hui, je t'aimerai demain ...
