Damned if I don't. I'm frustrated to the point tears are streaming down my face and I don't even know if any of this will make any sense at all. They always say that it takes two to tango, and I've already proved such. When you invest yourself, emotionally, physically and such into someone, and going into a relationship, you have to do it whole-heartedly or you are going to end up in a disaster.
I hate myself, quite literally right now, and between the pauses to wipe my face, I keep staring at knives, small and petite, ones that would cause maximum damage in small doses. I want to hurt, I want to take away the emotional aspect of loving you, and the fact that I hurt so much on the inside, and turn it into something that I can handle.
And I can't stop thinking about what was supposed to happen next weekend.. and I hurt even more, because what would have happened if this happened then? When I continue to open myself up, and give it my all, and even though I'm human and I make mistakes, there's apart of me that wishes I could block myself from all this. But I also know that if I did have that power, I'd not have loved, and I guess it's true what they say, it's better to have loved and lost, than not have loved at all.
Is it enough, though? Is knowing that someone loves you with all they have, and more, enough? I hope it is, because until I know otherwise, I shall continue to flop around like a fish out of water wondering if you're ever going to talk to me again.
I love you, but I don't think that's enough. Just know that I'm sorry for anything and everything. I guess part of me is also sorry you met me because you wouldn't have to deal with all this, or feel any pain like I am right now.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Inner Strength
There are many things in this world that test who you are as a person, not only in the aspect of who you are when you're in a group, but also who you are when you stand alone. These variables are varied throughout life, testing you and molding you into the person who you truly are. Eventually those who you allow yourself to be around most often, and those you confide in, will see you far differently than those who you speak to occasionally, but don't trust enough to let them in.
Each of you will either fail or pass each test, and regardless of which, you will have furthered yourself into the life that you are going to live.
I'm searching very hard for the inner strength to continue on a path that seems far too familiar. It seems like I've been here before, felt the same heartache before. While my instincts are telling me to pack up camp, cut my losses, that the semi-deep wounds will heal better than the long term ones, I'm trying and fighting my damnest to stay and fix whatever it is. I'm just at a crossroads of figuring out if it's honestly worth it, or how I continue on swinging for the fences if I'm the only one in the game.
Someone once told me that the person who is least invested into the relationship, holds all the power. It took awhile to understand this, but I think the light has finally came on. I don't understand how I can do so much wrong, or how I can always be so wrong, when I try to do both sides of the coin for her. It seems like if I keep things in, I get chastised for doing that, and we fight. She tells me she wants me to be honest and open with her, about everything. So I try that route... and where does that lead me? Back into the same position the other does, being the one who stays up in tears because I don't know where the relationship is going, or if we'll even succeed in making it to morning break.
Why is it that I'm the only one who ever truly puts everything they have into something like this. I'm so blasted tired of always coming up short because someone else has the power and control in the relationship. I won't say that she's not invested into the relationship, but it certainly seems that I'm the one more invested. At least right now.
And... honestly. What was this fight about? Whether or not we could facebook date. What in the honest hell is so wrong about that? At the end of May it'll be 4 months. FOUR. We've made plans to grow old together, for her to move here when she's done with school.. all of this... and just something so small... to acknowledge that hey.. she makes me happy, I make her happy.. just won't ever happen and honestly could have driven us apart for good.
I'm searching for my inner strength. To get myself together, to hold myself together. If this is the last of it, then... I guess that's that. Nothing I can do to change her mind, and.. if that's what she wants, then so be it. I'll live, I always do. Maybe I shouldn't care or love anymore. Ha. That'd make my life easier. .-.
Each of you will either fail or pass each test, and regardless of which, you will have furthered yourself into the life that you are going to live.
I'm searching very hard for the inner strength to continue on a path that seems far too familiar. It seems like I've been here before, felt the same heartache before. While my instincts are telling me to pack up camp, cut my losses, that the semi-deep wounds will heal better than the long term ones, I'm trying and fighting my damnest to stay and fix whatever it is. I'm just at a crossroads of figuring out if it's honestly worth it, or how I continue on swinging for the fences if I'm the only one in the game.
Someone once told me that the person who is least invested into the relationship, holds all the power. It took awhile to understand this, but I think the light has finally came on. I don't understand how I can do so much wrong, or how I can always be so wrong, when I try to do both sides of the coin for her. It seems like if I keep things in, I get chastised for doing that, and we fight. She tells me she wants me to be honest and open with her, about everything. So I try that route... and where does that lead me? Back into the same position the other does, being the one who stays up in tears because I don't know where the relationship is going, or if we'll even succeed in making it to morning break.
Why is it that I'm the only one who ever truly puts everything they have into something like this. I'm so blasted tired of always coming up short because someone else has the power and control in the relationship. I won't say that she's not invested into the relationship, but it certainly seems that I'm the one more invested. At least right now.
And... honestly. What was this fight about? Whether or not we could facebook date. What in the honest hell is so wrong about that? At the end of May it'll be 4 months. FOUR. We've made plans to grow old together, for her to move here when she's done with school.. all of this... and just something so small... to acknowledge that hey.. she makes me happy, I make her happy.. just won't ever happen and honestly could have driven us apart for good.
I'm searching for my inner strength. To get myself together, to hold myself together. If this is the last of it, then... I guess that's that. Nothing I can do to change her mind, and.. if that's what she wants, then so be it. I'll live, I always do. Maybe I shouldn't care or love anymore. Ha. That'd make my life easier. .-.
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