To you...

I’m not entirely sure that this post is going to make much, if any, sense at all. But I feel that this is the best way that I can express what I’m feeling at the moment. The hurt is there… the pain is definitely real. The tears proof that. The way my heart feels, as well as the rest of my life has noticed as well. It’s just not the same. I’ve always been told that sometimes the hardest things in life to do, are the right ones to do. I’ll take you back to the start.

You see… there was this girl who met this amazing, beautiful woman from Australia, named Lauren. She was instantly smitten, and wanted to spend as much time as physically possible with this girl. They shared a lot of laughter, a lot of stories, and even a few tears at the start – but they took everything in stride with one another. It was blatantly obvious to those who have looked from the outside in that there was something there, even if the two of them denied it. But they couldn’t deny it for long. Soon, they allowed their desires – their emotions for one other decide for them that they wanted to be with each other, and solely each other. It was a great feeling, one of.. excitement, and so much more. But at the very bottom of it, there was the thrilling rush of being in love.

However, the American, who had a piss poor view of herself, allowed things come between her and Lauren. She made mistakes, fights were to be had, and she fretted after every one that she could have just blown the best thing that has ever happened to her. However, Lauren took everything in stride, hand in hand, and reminded the other that they were in it together. That anything that they could come to face, if they handled it together, they could overcome it and continue on; that these small things were nothing more than hiccups. They were cruising along. Even with the mistakes, the small fights, everything, at the end, seemed to work themselves out. They had plans for the future, ones that seemed to make both of them happy.

… Then I decided that I didn’t want to let fear cripple me anymore. That I was tired of living in the fear that I was going to be hurt again… that it wasn’t for me to wonder around thinking of reasons of WHY Lauren loves me, or WHY she wants to be with me, or HOW I make her happy; but that at the end of every day, she did. That’s all that matters. Fear does a lot of things to people, just like love does. Fear cripples people, and runs their lives more than people ever could possibly fathom. I didn’t want that anymore. I had come up, let go of my fears and.. was planning on revealing this to Lauren later that night. However, life has a lot of ways of testing you.

I don’t understand why she says she needs a break or time; but I know that she means it when she says she still loves me, and is 98% sure that she’s still in love with me. I’m holding true to that. She used the excuse that I may have been right.. that it was developing more into the friendship than romantic. And for a bit, I felt that I had done something wrong. That I had caused her to not want me anymore. That maybe it was my physical appearance – or that I needed to work on/change something about myself. But.. I think it was something else completely.

"They won't be half a world away, or not matured enough, or not ready to settle yet." I didn’t catch that sentence the first time around, but it caught my eye today. I think the bottom issue is that.. I spooked her with commitment. She had told me before that she’s just not ready for that, and I feel like I pressured her a bit, and that’s what is going on. The distance, is truly hard. I won’t lie about that. But as she’s said before, if we tackle it both – together, then we can, truly, conquer anything, including the distance. The other “mature, or not ready to settle” part… it’s the commitment. I scared her, and fear made her run into the other direction. I wish so much right now that I could tell her that.. the only commitment that I want from her is the one to be to me – and to take it one day at a time. We can date for three years, four years, TEN YEARS… and that’d make me the happiest person in the entire world. That’s the only thing I could ever want from her. Is for her to be mine, and me to be hers. Just like it used to be.

I also want to tell her that it’s okay to be scared… that these feelings are quite intense, and that they are a lot to handle if you aren’t certain of yourself in situations like these. I remember my first time, and I can tell anyone that I was scared shitless. And I will wait for her, until the sunsets and rises in ten million years from now, for her to find the answers to the questions she’s looking for. I want to be able to help. I want to be able to let her fall apart on me, to allow me to help explain everything. The last thing I want to tell her is that.. together, we do have the strength to do this. That.. all she has to do is reach out, and take my hand, and I will help her, help us.. we can do it together. I know we can. We can take it day by day, hell HOUR BY HOUR…  slow enough for her to test the waters and feel it out for herself.

I never wanted to feel like I pressured her. I want her to be able to walk on her own two feet, just as I need to be able to. But at the same time, we can cradle to each other when things get tough. That her words of wisdom in the very beginning is true.

I want to say so much. But at the same time.. I don’t know if I should or if I can. The hardest thing in the world to do is letting the one you love go, just far enough away, and seeing if they will return to you after they've found all the answers they need. Letting go.. is the hardest thing I will ever have to do, is watch her slip from my fingers, helplessly, and hope with every fiber in my being and then some, that she finds her answer and that.. it's still me.

I don’t ask for much out of life – if anything at all, all I want is for those I care about to be happy. But I want to ask the Gods (if there is even one)… to give me the chance with this. To let.. both of us develop and grow with each other. To give me that chance… just once.

I don’t know if you’ll read this Lauren – I don’t even know if you’ll find it. But I want you to know that everything I’ve ever told you was the truth. That I love you, and that honestly.. all I want is to call you mine. Even if it’s.. day by day basis.. That it feel s so natural to be happy around you. To feel pretty, to feel loved. And that’s unusual for me. But with you – I feel like I could take on the world, and win. And even more so that’s natural is to tell you that I love you.. because I do. And regardless of your decision, I’ve been blessed to have you in my life.. even if it was just for this brief moment. You are truly amazing, and beautiful. Don’t let anyone else tell you different. I hope you know that you can spread your wings and fly with me. I’ll wait – even if you don’t want to ask me to.

And I hope that where it all started, it will end.. at the end of the rainbow with each of us standing there.

I love you.

I often wonder...

Sometimes, I often wonder about how people can always turn to me and use me as a scapegoat for their life problems or whatever. I know that it is quite difficult for people to actually admit that they are in the wrong, or that they did something that led to something else, etc etc. But more often than not, I’m the one who always gets dealt the short end of the stick. I haven’t a clue, and most of the time I just embrace it, and just keep on walking. Most of the time, the people do apologize afterwards as well. I don’t know if it’s the time of person that I am, or if it’s something else, but I’m getting a shorter and shorter fuse when it comes to it.

Don’t get me wrong, I do care about people, and I think I will always continue to put them before me, and deal with their problems before mine. But there is only so much people can take before they snap. I’m not a pin cushion. I’m not one of those blow up clowns that you can smack around in your free time when something’s wrong and you need to get your frustration out. I’m not a fucking doormat. Why can’t people see that? I do have feelings under all of this façade, and most of the time, rarely anyone truly cares. The societies of the world are really fucked up in which the masses always focus upon themselves and that’s all that matters to them. It doesn’t matter who they step on, or that they do, they would do anything to rise up and seize that power… or whatever it is that they want. They forget that there are other people around them, and… that’s quite sad. I wouldn’t step on anyone’s toes, or push people around to get somewhere in life. But again, maybe that’s just me.

I’ve got so much I want to say to people, to people who keep pushing me and pushing me, and I can’t do anything to stop it. I can’t even defend myself. How fucked up is that? And I’m absolutely terrified of saying anything to anyone, because then it would be as if people would have to choose sides, and I would more than likely lose those who mean more than I could possibly process to explain. I often wonder if people do stop and look around, and try to look past the masquerade the some people put on, because that’s all they have, it’s all they cling to. The false ray of hope at the end of the tunnel, when someone slams it shut and laughs at them.

I sicken myself with the fact that… I honestly feel that all I am good for with people is to help them with their problems, to make them feel better, and then they vanish. I feel used, abused, and.. abandoned a lot of the time. It’s a very frustrating feeling, to say the least. I’m so tired of bottling up my emotions, I’m so tired of holding my tongue. There isn’t anything in this world that I wish for more than to just be free of this hell and not be me anymore. I want to stand up, and put people in their place when they try their shit with me. I want to tell them to fuck off, that they are ridiculous and abusive, but no. Again, I’m much more of a pansy to even fathom the possibility of saying what I truly feel.

Kindness is not a weakness, but society has made it seem that way. Maybe I shouldn’t care anymore. Maybe I should make my heart cold as ice, be a bitch, and turn everyone away from me. Goodness knows it wouldn’t make me happy, but I fear that if I did that, I would be far less miserable than I am now. What kind of life is that, though?

I often wonder if I’m just a stepping stone, someone to use or to waste time with until you get to where you want to go, and then it will be a “Tada, got to go. Thanks for keeping me company.”

I often wonder what runs through your head when you continuously point the finger towards everyone else but yourself because you can’t admit that you are wrong. I don’t know what good it does you, it only makes me think that you are a coward. Someone whose ego is out of control and will sink your own ship eventually.

I often wonder how naïve you honestly are. You act a way that I physically didn’t think could be humanly possible. But then again, ignorance is bliss yes? Therefore, you shall continue to ignore every warning sign that you see.

I often wonder if I’m going to wake up one day, and you’ll be gone, and I know that I will have only myself to blame. You deserve far better than I will ever be, and I can only hope that if I am just a measly part in the grand design that you are happy for the time that you are with me, and that I could at least aid in the way of… molding you into the person you want to be, and helping find that person you are truly meant to be with.

I often wonder if my “I love yous” fall on deaf ears.

I often wonder if you’d be better off without me.

----

Can’t fathom putting the words I honestly feel onto the screen or this scrap of paper in front of me. Will it ever mean anything? Do I even mean anything? Is everything so insignificant that I’m overlooked, viewed upon as the dirt you walk on? I can say it once, I can say it a thousand times, but does it every fall upon open ears, an open heart, or an open mind? Do you just brush it aside, think I’m cheesy, or actually being sweet?

Je ne sais pas pour vous, mais les sentiments que j'ai pour vous plus forte que j'aie jamais ressentie. Je me sens juste que, parfois, Je ne rentre pas dans votre vie, et que vous finirez par s'en rendre compte. La peur de cela, laisse-moi près paralysé. Mais la façon dont vous me dites que vous m'aimez, même si ce n'est jamais si brièvement, vous me donnez l'espoir que ce qui est réel.

Damned if I do..

Damned if I don't. I'm frustrated to the point tears are streaming down my face and I don't even know if any of this will make any sense at all. They always say that it takes two to tango, and I've already proved such. When you invest yourself, emotionally, physically and such into someone, and going into a relationship, you have to do it whole-heartedly or you are going to end up in a disaster.

I hate myself, quite literally right now, and between the pauses to wipe my face, I keep staring at knives, small and petite, ones that would cause maximum damage in small doses. I want to hurt, I want to take away the emotional aspect of loving you, and the fact that I hurt so much on the inside, and turn it into something that I can handle.

And I can't stop thinking about what was supposed to happen next weekend.. and I hurt even more, because what would have happened if this happened then? When I continue to open myself up, and give it my all, and even though I'm human and I make mistakes, there's apart of me that wishes I could block myself from all this. But I also know that if I did have that power, I'd not have loved, and I guess it's true what they say, it's better to have loved and lost, than not have loved at all.

Is it enough, though? Is knowing that someone loves you with all they have, and more, enough? I hope it is, because until I know otherwise, I shall continue to flop around like a fish out of water wondering if you're ever going to talk to me again.

I love you, but I don't think that's enough. Just know that I'm sorry for anything and everything. I guess part of me is also sorry you met me because you wouldn't have to deal with all this, or feel any pain like I am right now.

Inner Strength

There are many things in this world that test who you are as a person, not only in the aspect of who you are when you're in a group, but also who you are when you stand alone. These variables are varied throughout life, testing you and molding you into the person who you truly are. Eventually those who you allow yourself to be around most often, and those you confide in, will see you far differently than those who you speak to occasionally, but don't trust enough to let them in.

Each of you will either fail or pass each test, and regardless of which, you will have furthered yourself into the life that you are going to live.

I'm searching very hard for the inner strength to continue on a path that seems far too familiar. It seems like I've been here before, felt the same heartache before. While my instincts are telling me to pack up camp, cut my losses, that the semi-deep wounds will heal better than the long term ones, I'm trying and fighting my damnest to stay and fix whatever it is. I'm just at a crossroads of figuring out if it's honestly worth it, or how I continue on swinging for the fences if I'm the only one in the game.

Someone once told me that the person who is least invested into the relationship, holds all the power. It took awhile to understand this, but I think the light has finally came on. I don't understand how I can do so much wrong, or how I can always be so wrong, when I try to do both sides of the coin for her. It seems like if I keep things in, I get chastised for doing that, and we fight. She tells me she wants me to be honest and open with her, about everything. So I try that route... and where does that lead me? Back into the same position the other does, being the one who stays up in tears because I don't know where the relationship is going, or if we'll even succeed in making it to morning break.

Why is it that I'm the only one who ever truly puts everything they have into something like this. I'm so blasted tired of always coming up short because someone else has the power and control in the relationship. I won't say that she's not invested into the relationship, but it certainly seems that I'm the one more invested. At least right now.

And... honestly. What was this fight about? Whether or not we could facebook date. What in the honest hell is so wrong about that? At the end of May it'll be 4 months. FOUR. We've made plans to grow old together, for her to move here when she's done with school.. all of this... and just something so small... to acknowledge that hey.. she makes me happy, I make her happy.. just won't ever happen and honestly could have driven us apart for good.

I'm searching for my inner strength. To get myself together, to hold myself together. If this is the last of it, then... I guess that's that. Nothing I can do to change her mind, and.. if that's what she wants, then so be it. I'll live, I always do. Maybe I shouldn't care or love anymore. Ha. That'd make my life easier. .-.

...I really hate myself..

There are times in which I don't understand the direction of how things are going, or why they are going there, and I always have to find a way to remind myself that there are just somethings in life that I cannot control. And that in order to find the light at the end of the tunnel, I should just embrace these changes, and let things out of my control lead the way for the most part. This is a rather difficult process for me to do as I have issues with control in the first place, and on top of that, I don't like things changing. .-.


This ties directly to the fact that we have been fighting a great deal lately. Why? I'm not entirely sure, but I feel that it is more on my part than yours. It's not a good thing, and it's not right for you to have to sit there through it. Yeah, we haven't seen eye to eye on a few things, and that's a sure sign for a speed bump. But lately, it has seemed more than that. Like there is an underlying... something there. I also think that it ties directly to the fact that I have demons that I haven't been able to check or rid myself of at the door. I understand that there is a specific type of baggage that doesn't ever leave, or takes a great deal of time to get over; but this is getting ridiculous. I don't want to ruin something that I have with you because of something that happened before you, and something that you didn't do. I often wonder if I'm sabotaging the one good thing in my life because I'm used to the floor slipping out from underneath me. I thought about this the other day during that ridiculously long obnoxious, not to say, boring meeting. And I feel like a bitch because I'm spreading my fear. I'm giving that fear to you and it's not something I wanted to do. You shouldn't have a fear that if I get up and walk away from the computer to clear my head that I wouldn't come back. I'm sorry for causing this fear.


Then there's this.. nagging thing at the back of my head that.. you are ashamed of me. I know I sound ridiculous right now. And I know there is also a very good chance that you're going to read this. But.. I just need to get it out. I know you're attracted to me. I know that you love me. I just.. often wonder if this will turn into a whole secret... like I'm your dirty little secret. I don't know how to explain it. .-. All I know is that commitment in general seems to scare you, and that is understandable. I'm okay with it. I promise you, I am. I just mix the signals with that maybe I'm more into this relationship than you are, which might I add, I don't believe is the case. I just wish I understood. I'm willing to wait. I'd wait forever with you, for you. That's not the problem. I just want to know that we're both heading to the same destination. I'm terrified that I'm going to wake up one morning and realize that I've been nothing more than a companion to walk along the yellow brick road with. 


Ugh. I just want solid, secure ground. I want to let go of what's crippled me for so damn long, and I want to smell your scent and feel your skin against mine. I'm frustrated, I want to kick something, and my god I want to marry you. All of these are true. But at the end of the day, I take peace in with the fact that I know that you love me. 

One wish

I don't know why this bothers me to the core like it does, but I've been thinking a lot about him lately. I miss his breath on my cheek when I woke up in the morning. I miss his soft nudges to the neck when he wanted under the covers. I miss the endless kisses and nuzzles he gave me when he saw me again. Even if it was just a few minutes after I had left, or been out of view, he always reacted as if I hadn't been around in years.


All in a matter of seconds, things were altered from the plan at hand, and not only were two lives altered majorly from the turn of events, one was completely lost, and mines was drastically thrown off course. I still remember that day as if it was just yesterday. I just miss him. Nothing in this world will be able to take his place in my heart. Even if I watch his brother a lot and spend countless hours with him, nothing will take away of what Ocean was to me... or what he meant to me. 


Onto a happier topic, of aspirations, wishes and dreams. For the longest time I've always felt that happiness was just a mere illusion for those who portray themselves as if nothing effected them in a negative manner. For the longest time, I put a facade on, and allowed myself to get swallowed by the details of wanting nothing more than to be accepted with the people who had it all. I figured that's all I was destined to be in life, was nothing more than someone's second best. I never could come first, and even when I did, it always was nothing more than a mirage in the middle of a desert: gorgeous and stunning on the surface; non-existent after that. In a way, I was complacent and was going to allow myself to settle to be someone's second best.


Funny how things work, right? When I was just getting comfortable, back in my cozy shell of how my life was going to turn out, and then out of no where, all the doors I as completely okay with walking through slammed shut, and a new one opened up. She walked into my life as if she was there the entire time, and as if she was made perfectly to fit in the space that had been completely avoided by anyone and everyone in my life. And she just seemingly slipped herself into that space and smiled at me, as if she was waiting for me all along. I don't know how, I don't know why, all I know is.. I'm completely submerged in the toxic craving of the happiness that I've achieved in the past few days, closing in on a week. 


I shall cherish every moment we've had thus far, and know that deep down that every one still to come is a blessing that I never would have thought in my wildest dreams I would have. I've felt love before, in various depths, and ways... However... I haven't felt it like this. I'm happy and content to continue to watch all the stars and clouds go by as I continue to fall.. knowing fully well that when I do land, I'll hand on my feet... and she'll be there


She's a blessing, a.. foreign concept to me; Something new, something that makes me feel renewed, and wanted. She makes me feel like I'm worth it, and no longer someone's second best... I don't know where this is going, where we'll end up, how far we'll go... or if I do end up kayaking 9,993 miles.. All I know is she has renewed my faith in love, in society... and in myself. 


Je t'aimais hier, Je t'aime aujourd'hui, je t'aimerai demain ...