There are times in which I don't understand the direction of how things are going, or why they are going there, and I always have to find a way to remind myself that there are just somethings in life that I cannot control. And that in order to find the light at the end of the tunnel, I should just embrace these changes, and let things out of my control lead the way for the most part. This is a rather difficult process for me to do as I have issues with control in the first place, and on top of that, I don't like things changing. .-.
This ties directly to the fact that we have been fighting a great deal lately. Why? I'm not entirely sure, but I feel that it is more on my part than yours. It's not a good thing, and it's not right for you to have to sit there through it. Yeah, we haven't seen eye to eye on a few things, and that's a sure sign for a speed bump. But lately, it has seemed more than that. Like there is an underlying... something there. I also think that it ties directly to the fact that I have demons that I haven't been able to check or rid myself of at the door. I understand that there is a specific type of baggage that doesn't ever leave, or takes a great deal of time to get over; but this is getting ridiculous. I don't want to ruin something that I have with you because of something that happened before you, and something that you didn't do. I often wonder if I'm sabotaging the one good thing in my life because I'm used to the floor slipping out from underneath me. I thought about this the other day during that ridiculously long obnoxious, not to say, boring meeting. And I feel like a bitch because I'm spreading my fear. I'm giving that fear to you and it's not something I wanted to do. You shouldn't have a fear that if I get up and walk away from the computer to clear my head that I wouldn't come back. I'm sorry for causing this fear.
Then there's this.. nagging thing at the back of my head that.. you are ashamed of me. I know I sound ridiculous right now. And I know there is also a very good chance that you're going to read this. But.. I just need to get it out. I know you're attracted to me. I know that you love me. I just.. often wonder if this will turn into a whole secret... like I'm your dirty little secret. I don't know how to explain it. .-. All I know is that commitment in general seems to scare you, and that is understandable. I'm okay with it. I promise you, I am. I just mix the signals with that maybe I'm more into this relationship than you are, which might I add, I don't believe is the case. I just wish I understood. I'm willing to wait. I'd wait forever with you, for you. That's not the problem. I just want to know that we're both heading to the same destination. I'm terrified that I'm going to wake up one morning and realize that I've been nothing more than a companion to walk along the yellow brick road with.
Ugh. I just want solid, secure ground. I want to let go of what's crippled me for so damn long, and I want to smell your scent and feel your skin against mine. I'm frustrated, I want to kick something, and my god I want to marry you. All of these are true. But at the end of the day, I take peace in with the fact that I know that you love me.
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