Inner Strength

There are many things in this world that test who you are as a person, not only in the aspect of who you are when you're in a group, but also who you are when you stand alone. These variables are varied throughout life, testing you and molding you into the person who you truly are. Eventually those who you allow yourself to be around most often, and those you confide in, will see you far differently than those who you speak to occasionally, but don't trust enough to let them in.

Each of you will either fail or pass each test, and regardless of which, you will have furthered yourself into the life that you are going to live.

I'm searching very hard for the inner strength to continue on a path that seems far too familiar. It seems like I've been here before, felt the same heartache before. While my instincts are telling me to pack up camp, cut my losses, that the semi-deep wounds will heal better than the long term ones, I'm trying and fighting my damnest to stay and fix whatever it is. I'm just at a crossroads of figuring out if it's honestly worth it, or how I continue on swinging for the fences if I'm the only one in the game.

Someone once told me that the person who is least invested into the relationship, holds all the power. It took awhile to understand this, but I think the light has finally came on. I don't understand how I can do so much wrong, or how I can always be so wrong, when I try to do both sides of the coin for her. It seems like if I keep things in, I get chastised for doing that, and we fight. She tells me she wants me to be honest and open with her, about everything. So I try that route... and where does that lead me? Back into the same position the other does, being the one who stays up in tears because I don't know where the relationship is going, or if we'll even succeed in making it to morning break.

Why is it that I'm the only one who ever truly puts everything they have into something like this. I'm so blasted tired of always coming up short because someone else has the power and control in the relationship. I won't say that she's not invested into the relationship, but it certainly seems that I'm the one more invested. At least right now.

And... honestly. What was this fight about? Whether or not we could facebook date. What in the honest hell is so wrong about that? At the end of May it'll be 4 months. FOUR. We've made plans to grow old together, for her to move here when she's done with school.. all of this... and just something so small... to acknowledge that hey.. she makes me happy, I make her happy.. just won't ever happen and honestly could have driven us apart for good.

I'm searching for my inner strength. To get myself together, to hold myself together. If this is the last of it, then... I guess that's that. Nothing I can do to change her mind, and.. if that's what she wants, then so be it. I'll live, I always do. Maybe I shouldn't care or love anymore. Ha. That'd make my life easier. .-.