Damned if I do..

Damned if I don't. I'm frustrated to the point tears are streaming down my face and I don't even know if any of this will make any sense at all. They always say that it takes two to tango, and I've already proved such. When you invest yourself, emotionally, physically and such into someone, and going into a relationship, you have to do it whole-heartedly or you are going to end up in a disaster.

I hate myself, quite literally right now, and between the pauses to wipe my face, I keep staring at knives, small and petite, ones that would cause maximum damage in small doses. I want to hurt, I want to take away the emotional aspect of loving you, and the fact that I hurt so much on the inside, and turn it into something that I can handle.

And I can't stop thinking about what was supposed to happen next weekend.. and I hurt even more, because what would have happened if this happened then? When I continue to open myself up, and give it my all, and even though I'm human and I make mistakes, there's apart of me that wishes I could block myself from all this. But I also know that if I did have that power, I'd not have loved, and I guess it's true what they say, it's better to have loved and lost, than not have loved at all.

Is it enough, though? Is knowing that someone loves you with all they have, and more, enough? I hope it is, because until I know otherwise, I shall continue to flop around like a fish out of water wondering if you're ever going to talk to me again.

I love you, but I don't think that's enough. Just know that I'm sorry for anything and everything. I guess part of me is also sorry you met me because you wouldn't have to deal with all this, or feel any pain like I am right now.